Clueless Reporter Interviews Lt. Tank Ellis

Elsewhere, I have provided an imaginary interview between a clueless reporter and Pilot Jennifer Chase. This time, the reporter has made the bold move to detain Tank for an on-the-spot interview. Let’s see how it unfolds!

Clueless Reporter: Good afternoon, Lieutenant Tank. Or do I call you Mr. Ellis? Pilot Chase recommended I interview you. She said you’d have… let’s see… “fascinating insight” into your work as a Soldier of the Future. How do you feel about being the team’s muscle?

Tank: [Leaning back, arms crossed] It’s Lieutenant. And being the “muscle” isn’t a feeling. It’s a job. You’ve got a question, ask it. Otherwise, I’ve got a war to fight.

Clueless Reporter: Oh, I’ll get to it! First, let me say I recently interviewed your colleague, Pilot. Nice gal! Quite the little firecracker, huh? You know, I made a joke to her—said she was like “a wrench with firepower.” And I almost said, “a wench with firepower,” get it? Ha! Thought it’d lighten the mood.

Tank: [Leaning forward, visibly unimpressed] Did she laugh?

Clueless Reporter: Uh… not really. She glared at me.

Tank: Good. You deserved it. Pilot’s one of the finest soldiers I’ve ever served with, and she’s earned her spot a hundred times over. Her being young and a woman doesn’t change that she’s smarter and braver than most people you’ll ever meet. Including you.

Clueless Reporter: Well, now, no need to get testy! I didn’t mean…

Tank: [Interrupting] Let me stop you right there. Words matter. You disrespect her, you disrespect the team. And I don’t stand for that. [Tank grabs the man by the collar and momentarily lifts him up with one hand]  You think it’s funny to belittle someone risking their life every day to keep humanity safe? Maybe you should spend less time making bad jokes and more time reading The Good Book. Might teach you something about respect.

Clueless Reporter: [Flustered, shuffling notes, and shaking] Uh, The Good Book? You mean, like, the Bible?

Tank: That’s the one. Might do you some good to crack it open now and then. It’s got a few lessons about humility and understanding. You could use both.

Clueless Reporter: [Nervous chuckle] Okay, okay, noted! Back to you, though. You’re, uh, a bit of a big guy. Must come in handy during these battles. Ever just… rip a Bio-Dread apart with your bare hands?

Tank: [Deadpan] Once or twice.

Clueless Reporter: Wow, really? What’s that like?

Tank: A party.

Clueless Reporter: Oh. Right. A party. Ha! You’re really are man of few words, huh?

Tank: Words are for when the fighting’s done.

Clueless Reporter: I see, I see. Okay, here’s one: what’s your weakness? I mean, you seem unstoppable. Gotta be something, right?

Tank: [Glances at the reporter] Overconfidence. Sometimes I act before thinking. You might relate.

Clueless Reporter: [Blinking] Uh… touche, ha.

Tank: Look, you want to write something useful? Tell people about the war. About what’s at stake. The Bio-Dreads don’t care about your jokes or my biceps. They’re here to wipe us out. Period. Captain Power, Pilot, Scout, Hawk—we’re the only thing standing between humanity and extinction. So maybe put some thought into your questions next time.

Clueless Reporter: [Muttering] Right. Got it. No more jokes about wenches.

Tank: Good start.

Clueless Reporter: Another question: if you could say one thing to your enemies, what would it be?

Tank: [Leaning forward, intense] I don’t waste words on enemies. My blaster speaks for me.

Clueless Reporter: Lieutenant Tank Ellis, before we close, is there anything you’d like to say to your fans watching at home? They truly look up to you—not just for your strength, but for your courage and heart as well. Anything you'd like to share?

Tank: pauses, his normally stern face softening slightly as he considers the question

Yeah, I’d like to say something. clears his throat, his strong voice carrying an unexpected humility

To everyone out there who supports us... thank you. I mean it. Knowing there are people who believe in what we’re fighting for—it keeps us going. This fight we’re in, it’s not just a battle for survival; it’s a battle for hope. And hope’s a hard thing to hold on to when the odds are stacked against you like this.

When I hear that we’ve got folks out there rooting for us, it reminds me why we do this. Not just for us, not just for the team, but for all of you—the ones who still believe a better future is worth fighting for.

So... keep believing, keep hoping. And if you find yourselves facing battles of your own, don’t back down. Take strength from knowing that every small stand for what’s right adds up.

Clueless Reporter: blinks, visibly moved Wow. That’s, uh... that’s not what I expected. I was advised that you were a man of few words. Truly, thank you, Lieutenant. I think your fans will find those words as inspiring as your actions on the battlefield.

Tank: nods solemnly It’s them who inspire us, not the other way around.

Clueless Reporter: smiles Well said. And with that, I’ll let you get back to saving the future.

Tank: [Standing up and towering over the reporter] Good thinking. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a battle to win.

This fictitious interview © Peter S. Murano

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